Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Dodgy Liquids, Sticky Stuff

I stood at the entrance to the security screening area pouring a treacle-like substance from one container into another. Passengers looked on, horrified. I held it up - this had to be conspicuous, everyone must see, especially the security staff. I must have looked like I was cooking meth. It was a thick and gloopy (technical term). I held it up high and waited for liquid to slowly ooze out of the bottle. Waste not, want not. This stuff has a high viscosity. How had it come to this?

Ten minutes earlier I was making my way through security screening. Laptop separated. Liquids in a translucent bag. Everything should be in order, or so I thought.

“This is more than 100ml. We are confiscating it.” - What? No, it’s 50ml tops. See?
“This is more than 100ml. We are confiscating it.” - Yes, I see the confusion here. The container is labelled 200ml, but as you can see it’s barely a quarter full. Quite obvious.
“Speak to my supervisor.” She puts my belongings through the scanner, including the controversial liquid. Through the metal detector I went unhindered. At the other end was the ranking supervisor.

“This is more than 100ml. We are confiscating it.” - But, it’s medication!
“This is more than 100ml. We are confiscating it.”

I would not normally be so precious about 50ml of anything. But for the last few days I have been particularly wretched, the highlight of which is the sensation that my throat is made out of razor blades. Each swallow produces the feeling of a fresh incision by my throat-blade. Despite being on the maximum dosage of both aspirin and paracetamol, the only way I am getting even a few hours of sleep at night is to take a good old dose of codeine linctus.

Now you know it must be serious when you’re reaching for the opiates - this is the category of drug they give to people who are dying. It’s what doctors mean when they say they have made somebody ‘comfortable’. But the problem is, I was travelling to Ireland. And trying to get a hold of codeine in Ireland is harder than finding the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. So I was not about to part with my 50ml - and with it the chance of a few hours sleep over the coming days.

“Can I go back out and put it in a smaller container?” I inquired.

This caused something of a kerfuffle. You could see she wanted to retort “computer says no”, but after some deliberation she returned to me. “This man will escort you outside”.

“Can I come back?” He gave me a look, did not answer, and grabbed my arm.

Outside the security screening area I found Boots. These guys don’t miss a trick. I imagined I was going to have to purchase the cheapest store-brand aftershave and pour it in the bin to obtain a new receptacle, but the enterprising chemist chain were selling empty 100ml containers right there for the princely sum of £1.35. It looked like something straight out of a 19th century Victorian Chemist’s shop, if it were made of glass. But it was plastic. Still, had the desired effect.

And that is how I came to find myself re-enacting Breaking Bad in the middle of the security screening area to the worry of my fellow passengers at 06.30 in the morning in Heathrow Terminal 1, two days before Christmas.

Of course my boarding pass didn’t work the second time around. It raised some sort of alarm and hilarity ensued. I explained myself to a nice lady who took my photo and bade me a safe flight.

“Can I just ask,” I was going to get my money’s worth here, “this sort of carry-on, does it not bring the whole security screening process in to disrepute? I mean, how are people supposed to take any of it seriously?”

“I feel your frustration - I know it’s really inconvenient. We’re as frustrated as you are, but our hands are tied by Department for Transport rules I’m afraid.” At which point I felt bad for having given her a hard time - it wasn’t her fault really. If the first two automatons had said something like this earlier it would have made the whole episode much easier to swallow (no pun intended).

Somehow I had managed to purchase my seat in Club Class. I had no idea what that meant. I soon learned this meant I had access to the BA lounge. What a wonderful little perk, it saved me the bother of queuing up at Costa for a coffee, and mercifully spared me the the gauntlet of WH Smith to find a newspaper as the staff prod you with multi-packs of oversized Toblerone.

On to the plane, where I discovered the Club Class seat in all its glory: basically the same seat as economy, with a little barrier erected in the middle to ensure you don’t brush your shoulder against a neighbouring passenger.

The seat itself looked a bit shiny. Perhaps it had been given a fresh coat of varnish – they really do think of everything in Club Class. But no, not varnish, I discovered after putting my hand on it. Something sticky, and now my hand was adhesive.

I called a stewardess and explained the situation, asking if they had anything with which to clean my seat – some alcohol wipes perhaps? They don’t keep much by way of cleaning products she advised (perhaps having been confiscated by security), but she’d see what she could do. At this stage I realized I had caused something of a scene as passengers were still trying to board the plane and I was blocking the narrow passageway by standing in the middle not taking my sticky seat.

Excellent time to wash said stickiness from my mitts.

I asked the very cute male steward if I might use the bathroom, he got the situation and ushered me in. I lathered my hands in soap and hit the tap to wash it all off … but all I got was were drips. Little tiny raindrops, I would have had more luck dribbling on to my hands from the corner of my mouth.

Fear not, cute male steward to the rescue. Unprompted he appeared at the doorway with a polite knock. “Tap not working? Here.” And handed me a bottle of Highland Spring.

So I washed my hands with mineral water and returned to my seat. At this stage the stewardess was in full swing wiping it down with napkins and … is that … 50ml of Mr. Smirnoff’s finest … from the … minibar? Being used as a cleaning agent?

When she was done I took my newly clean throne in club class, surrounded by the sweet aroma of that delicious nectar of the gods – vodka.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

The Twit Machine

I never understood Twitter. Well, I think I've figured it out. What I don't understand is the hype. In this week where the Twit Machine went Public on the Stock Exchange Thingy or whatever, I can't help speculate its share price has been bolstered by much hot air and hype.


When it first emerged it was nothing more than Facebook-lite. Free to announce your inane status updates to the world - but you can't be waffling. No, 140 characters is the limit. And you can't post photos or any of that fancy stuff. Never so much fun was had since SMS was limited to 160 characters back in the 90s.

But users quickly got around these limitations. Thanks to bit.ly and other URL shortening services, images and videos were possible. Limits on its industrial lack of function were quickly circumvented, adding conventions such as the '@' to direct a message at someone, and the now infamous hashtag to impose some sort of order on the various categories of discourse (though this has infuriatingly entered common parlance in the most unnecessary way). And eventually Twitter saw the value of these hacks and incorporated them in to the user interface.

So far, big deal. None of this is groundbreaking stuff. It basically does what Facebook (and Friendster before it) did, only less well.

But then one thing happened and the penny dropped, at least for me: the London riots of 2011 erupted. One minute a kerfuffle in Tottenham, the next day Brixton, suddenly Clapham Junction was being looted. It was all very unnerving. But what I found fascinating about this whole episode is while the police struggled to keep up, so did the news agencies. BBC London had nothing but out of date information. By following a #londonriots I could see what people were saying, and reporting, in real-time. Only this way did I learn there was a mob making its way up Kennington Lane towards my ivory tower, at the time, at St. George Wharf. And just as quickly passed by on their way to rob the shops down in Battersea.

For a live event it does come in to its own, whether it's the riot at the end of my street, the results coming in on election night or live commentary on the acts at the Eurovision Song Contest as they occur. I finally understood Twitter's use case.

Which explains why journalists love it.

In a previous life, back in my student days, I was something of an activist. And I quickly discovered something about journalists: they are all inherently lazy.

Imagine my delight the first time I found a press release I had written copied-and-pasted in to the middle of a newspaper article. But I think my greatest achievement was an article I penned for the Irish Times back in 2003, arguing for the introduction of civil partnerships for gay couples (I'm slightly embarrassed to say I believed at the time that we should aim for this more easily achievable goal in Ireland rather than full-scale marriage).

And reading one of the main Sunday papers a few days later, my jaw literally dropped as I read a piece by a right-wing Christian columnist, but there was something suspiciously familiar about it. He had plagiarised my piece, point-by-point. Now he was using my arguments to argue against gay marriage, but I never thought I would see the day this person would effectively argue in favour of civil partnerships for same-sex couples.

Perhaps I digress. But I think it explains a lot about why journalists love Twitter. Saves time doing pesky things like research, just lift some tat off the social network and bam! What a scoop.

Before Twitter though, they at least maintained some sort of pretence about what went under their byline, grinning like some cheeky 12-year-old who copied your homework. These days they don't even try to cover it up. It really is disappointing to see in the press every day Twitter quoted as a source, or Somebody said something not very nice about someone else on Twitter as a story, or the just plain infantile What happened on Twitter today as an actual story.

Journalists aside, who else uses Twitter? Obviously the kind of folks who crave attention for a living: celebrities, politicians and their hacks. And the journalists fall in to this ecosystem in  a particular order: tabloids following the celebs, the Mail and the Telegraph following UKIP and the Tories, The Guardian on to Labour, and Lib Dems following the other Lib Dems.

 And the only other people I know who use the thing seem to be people who either (1) double-post every status between Facebook and Twitter, rendering the latter wholly redundant if you ask me, or (2) use it as a platform for other social tools like Foursquare as a means to meeting new people and proclaiming yourself mayor of the local Starbucks - this is a use case I have to admit I don't fully understand.

For the rest of us, unless civilization is breaking down and the proletariat are at the end of my street setting fire to things, or I want to see what witty thing people are saying about the live acts on X-factor, bar a few novelty accounts, my Twitter feed is pretty empty.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

What's your favourite One Direction lyric?


Sweeney Todd
I never thought I'd be one of those people who needs a beard trim, being obsessively clean-shaven until quite recently. Alas, the things you find yourself doing in your 30s. I'd like to think this is the price of following fashion - beards are back, even the hipsters are doing it. But it may be more truthful to say this is what guys my age do to compensate for the hair migrating away from our scalps to establish colonies elsewhere on the body.

Now maintaining a beard requires some commitment. Trim too close and it's not a beard at all, it's long stubble and maybe you forgot to shave. Leave it untethered and you acquire a certain homeless chic. Then there's the neckline, which you're sure to get wrong and carry that mistake around for all to see.

Best to consult the professionals, and there is but one people who know about grooming men's hair. Off to my local Turkish barber in Shoreditch I went.

The clippers was only the start. You might think having a beard would spare you the the blade - if this is not making you nervous already, you need to know its proper name is a 'cut-throat'. But no, that thing is going to caress your throat in the most intimately threatening manner while you try not to express your inner terror.

Mert, a burly guy with enormous arms, carried out this task with the precision of a watchmaker and dexterity of a pianist. When we were done I caught myself in the mirror to witness his work. Looking good, I thought. Then came the fire.

Some sort of torch was doused in flammable liquid and set alight. Before I could form the words to ask what the hell was going on, Mert had fashioned it in to a flame-thrower and was launching those flames toward my head to be instantly recoiled, then this little performance was repeated to the other side of my head. My lobes were a little warm but genuinely unharmed. On the air sat the distinct aroma of my singed ear-hairs which I never knew I had. These guys don't fuck about.

I sighed relief. Surely we were done and no more weapons would be deployed. That's when he grabbed my temples.

Jerked to the left, then to the right, I felt something audibly crack at the top of my spine. "Relax" he chortled, and some tension did subside. I squeezed my leg to make sure I had not been rendered quadriplegic.

For these guys grooming is serious business, and the manner in which they execute their art is the height of machismo. But what was most unexpected transpired in the background.

The One
"Let's go crazy crazy crazy til we see the sun. I know we only met but let's pretend it's love. And never never never stop for anyone. Tonight let's get some and live while we're young."

This contemporary ballad had come on the radio, an unlikely juxtaposition I thought, given the setting. But Merk was getting in to it. Humming along the whole time. At some point he did a little sway back and forth. Was he dancing - to One Direction?

As the time passed however, another track came up. And another. This was not the radio at all. Merk had the album.

I learned two things that day: I have hair in my ears, which can be extracted using petrol and a match without causing injury. And the music of One Direction is pure poetry.

I can't decide what my favourite lyric is, currently I'm torn between

"Tell me with your mind, body and spirit
I can make your tears fall down like the showers that are British"

or

"Now she’s feeling so low since she went solo
Hole in the middle of my heart like a polo"

What's your favourite One Direction lyric?

Friday, May 14, 2010

Don't do it!

My popularity is diminishing, so it would seem. I think I'd rather not know that every couple of days another one of my 335 'friends' on Facebook no longer wants me. I'm sorry I ever installed Unfriend Finder.

But then something strange started happening. One by one, slowly but surely, they were beginning to reappear in the daily voyeurfest of my Facebook news feed. How wonderful!

On further inquiries it transpired that no, it was not that my virtual acquaintances were growing tired of my one-line status update wisecracks. Some of them had simply had enough of Facebook and deleted their accounts - but alas could not cope with the withdrawal. So I decided to check it out. What actually happens when you deactivate your Facebook account?

Step 1: emotional blackmail
The first step is to get to your account settings. Buried away in there is the Deactivate Account option - I could tell you how to find it, but it was such an epic labyrinth of menus I have long since repressed the memory; and I'm not prepared to go through that trauma again simply for your benefit. You're on your own.

If you do find the page, here is what you are treated to: emotional blackmail.



Phil will miss you! Remember that summer's day the gang went to Thorpe Park and rode the Nemesis Inferno over and over? Here's the group photo!

Laura will miss you! You hadn't seen her in two years and went to visit her in Australia. How could you forget! You took a little boat trip out of the resplendent Sydney Harbour to go and see humpback whales in the ocean - here's the picture!

Fiona will miss you! I know you haven't seen her since that messy wedding in Boston. I know you don't remember, you were off your head for most of it but look! At this photo! Here you are with your oldest bestest college mates having such a fun time!

Look! Here are the photos! DON'T DO IT!

Clearly our Facebook overlords interpret your decision to leave as a declaration of intent to eat all the paracetamol and check out of this dull existence.

You take a deep breath. And you hit the button.

Step 2: cold turkey

No more Facebook. No more sneaky peeks during work hours at Barry's latest views on the Jedward commercial. Finished are the real-time updates of Iain's run-ins with that homeless lady in Harvard Square, Massachusetts. You find other ways to push the day along.

That Excel spreadsheet starts to look like something you might actually let the client see. Look at that beautiful pivot table! And doesn't it look so much cuter in the Calibri font?

But more than that. You reconnect with humanity. And caffeine. You find yourself spending more time at the coffee dock. How did I never notice Jelena? She makes my skinny latte just right, six times a day. You ask her about her day. And her divorce. She tells you about the miscarriage.

Step 3: relapse
It's just too hard. Getting off heroin would be easier. You tried methadone/twitter but 140 characters of monochromatic text is just not the same. You're not sure if it's delerium tremens or all those little hash symbols that are making you dizzy. Just then you get the mail.

Just in case, y'know, you changed your mind, we saved your details. Only your login name, your password, phone number and home address, your list of 'friends' and every status, comment, and photo you ever posted (including the ones you deleted). Please come back. James misses you. Alan is starting to forget what you look like. If you change your mind, just go to www.facebook.com and log in again, all will be forgiven. It will be like you never left! Please come back. Or else.

And you cave.

And so it continues for a few months more, in an endless cycle of steps 1, 2 and 3 above.

So welcome back Stacey, welcome back Ewan. To the recently departed, we miss you. But not too much, cos let's be honest. You'll be back.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Bring on the Pig Pox

Driving down the M4 this morning there was a woman wearing a face mask. In her sealed tin can hurtling away from London at about 80mph. She was alone. No passengers to infect her. The world has started slowly going mad over the pig pox.

Lunch time in the office as I attempted to insert a chicken and stuffing sandwich into my mouth while typing at the keyboard, a debate kicks off at the desk next to me. Apparently the local rag in Newbury has a story of a guy in the area who refuses to cancel his upcoming holiday to Mexico, reckons this whole pandemic mallarkey is a media conspiracy.

According to the article our skeptic friend works for the same company. Someone looks him up on the people finder - he works in Babbage, the same building we're all sat in. A kerfuffle ensues.

Seems people are reacting to this thing in one of two ways: extreme hypochondria or deepest skepticism.

So this got me thinking... if this virus is coming it's gonna get us all in the end. Some will get sick, some might die, most will just fret, hide indoors and turn a bit obsessive-compulsive about germs until they eventually catch it.

Things are not as bad as they seem though. The UK has stockpiled enough antiviral drugs to treat half the population. Catching it is not the end of the world. Unless you're in that latter half of the population who gets it.

I for one would rather be in the first half, get the flu and the antiviral drugs before they all run out. Get it over with and get on with my life, immune from the pesky pox for ever more.

But time is running out, the sooner I catch it the better. If I want the best treatment I should really catch it early while they're still trying to contain it, a team of doctors can monitor my every sniffle and make sure I get better. Not when half the population is already sick and overcrowding the hospitals. By that stage there might not even be enough drugs for half the population as health workers start stockpiling the tamiflu for their families.

Also these viruses have a pesky habit of developing immunity to the antiviral drugs. And fast.

So I'll be out there on the crowded tube, attending every public gathering I can get to, trying to catch this virus. Get it out of the way I say. Before it's too late.

Bring on the pig pox.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Turkey, swiss cheese and tomato

I escaped from the the office the other day to avoid the work canteen and get a sandwich that didn't taste like muck. Waiting to order my turkey, cheese and tomato baguette some girl taps me on the shoulder.

Mr. O'Brien!' in a westcountry accent.

'Hey... you!' Who the fuck is this?

'Don't you remember me? From Aztec? I was checking you out on Thursday.'

Aztec? The building where I was working? That's a bit forward. I gave an uneasy smile and stared blankly at the girl making sandwiches. Hurry up and serve me so I can get out of here! She leisurely spreads butter onto someone's wholegrain roll. Any day now.

Then it comes back to me. 'Ah, Aztec Hotel!'

It was the girl from reception, she checked me out of room 237. Doh.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Getting high in the Andes


After being collected from our hotel at the unholy hour of 5.30am, we made our way to pick up the porters en route to the KM82 checkpoint where we would start the trek. But not before stopping for breakfast in a local farmhouse. Apparently some of the tour companies treat the porters quite badly, so to prove it's credentials the one we had chosen made a point of taking us for breakfast with a local porter's family to eat their food and see how they live.

There we met the rest of our group for the duration of the Inca Trail, three Scottish lads, Seán, Haaki and Grant. We went in.

The farmhouse itself was rather basic with walls made from adobe, but it quickly became apparent they possess a technology vastly superior to any appliance you'll find in a kitchen back home: the Quechuan Self-Cleaning Floor™. What happens is any bio-waste, such as potato peelings, discarded scraps etc. basically just get chucked on the floor. Within seconds about 35 guinea-pigs appear from cracks in the wall, under the stove, anywhere there's a hiding place; they swarm around the waste material, quickly gobble it all up, and disappear. It all happens so fast you're not sure it really happened or did you momentarily daydream you were in a Tango commercial? But since the thing you chucked on the floor seems to have vaporized into thin air, you're left with the conclusion that it must have been real.

And on special occasions when there is cause for celebration in the family, one of the guinea pigs will be taken, given a cuddle, roasted, and eaten. This way everything comes full circle, nothing is wasted and everyone is happy (except perhaps one or two of the guinea pigs who are left wondering why they haven't seen Bubbles in a while).

As we set out for the actual trek from the KM82 checkpoint, we left the porters who must go through their own checkpoint. Before the whole thing became regulated by the Peruvian government a few years ago, the porters used to carry 40-50kg each (which given their small stature, must be most of their body weight). These days the law says they may only carry 25kg and their backpacks are weighed-in at the checkpoint. Unfortunately for them, there was a massive queue for the porters' checkpoint and hardly any at all for the tourists.

The first day of walking was just a 4-hour trek to ease us into it. We walked at 'tourist pace' as our guide José described it, stopping to see an old Inca city along the way - one of the many Inca sites we would see over the next four days. Soon our porters caught up and surpassed us, along with porters from other groups. They didn't so much walk the Inca trail as run it. Later some of the trails would narrow to perhaps 1 metre wide with a 1000-metre drop into oblivion, and while we'd be clinging on to the mountainside edging forward they would still race past you overtaking on a cliff edge, carrying their heavy backpacks.

One of the sad sights on the first day was to see people turning back, realising they were just not able for it. You need to spend at least 3 or 4 days acclimatizing to the altitude, but it seems not everyone takes this advice. Which is a shame really, they must have been planning it for long enough as you need to apply for your permit to do the Inca Trail about six months in advance, given the limit now placed on how many people may trek it. One poor American girl said hello to us as she headed back to the starting point, she looked devastated. Her partner just looked really, really pissed off.

Eventually we made it to our campsite where the porters had already set up the tents. They had put out little bowls of warm water and soap to wash our hands and had dinner ready. They really did look after us. And the food was fantastic. Over the next four days no two meals were the same but they were all delicious, which was amazing considering the small portable gas cooker they had with them.

We didn't stay up much longer after eating. The sun had come down and it was pitch black. We were knackered after the hike, shamefully so given our leisurely pace and that the porters had pretty much sprinted it.

Day 2 is said to be the hardest: it is the steepest climb - to over 4200m, from a starting point of about 2700m - that's 1.5km or nearly a mile vertically! And at that altitude, the air thins considerably, your lungs getting less than 50% of normal oxygen levels. To help with the altitude, José suggested we try some coca leaves.

Now it's true that cocaine is extracted from coca leaves (as was the original secret ingredient in Coca Cola) - though it takes about 25kg of foliage to make a gram of the hard stuff. It seems the Quechuan people (the people of the Inca empire - the 'Inca' was just the leader) have been using coca leaves to help cope with the altitude since ancient times. 'Makes you stronger' they say, and it works. It hits you like a major caffeine kick, and you certainly don't feel as tired trekking up that hill.

In fact, along our steep ascent, Colin boastfully declared that he didn't know why anyone thought day 2 was difficult, this was clearly much easier than day 1. A statement he later had to retract as we neared the summit, panting and gasping for breath, admitting that he must have been high on coca leaves to have said such a thing. At this stage poor Tom looked pale, having been ill two days previous to starting the hike and so finding it tougher. But he made it to the summit, and we all felt an immense sense of achievement. The hardest part was over.

Day 3 took us climbing to another peak, though not so high, this time a measly 3300m before beginning our long descent towards Machu Picchu mountain. This took us through what is called a 'cloud rainforest', which true to its name meant we were walking through thick clouds mostly, and so were unfortunately deprived of some of the breathtaking views of the Andes we had enjoyed so far. Probably just as well, as much of the pathways and dizzyingly steep steps we clambered down were narrow, and I reckon it's more calming to look into white cloud instead of the oblivion to which you might perish if you slipped off the edge.

That evening - our final night of sleeping it rough in the mountains - we reached our final campsite. But this was no ordinary campsite. It had a visitor centre. It had a bar. There were rumours of a hot shower (which turned out to be unfounded, but it did have a shower). Myself and Grant, one of the Scottish lads, got there first. We ordered some beers for the group to have them ready as they arrived. And when they did, we all toasted our success - we were nearly there, only 1.5 hours left to trek the next morning to Machu Picchu.

Of course, due to a combination of altitude and fatigue, by the time we'd had two drinks we were three sheets to the wind. Dinner was ready, after which it would be our last opportunity to see the porters. We thanked them in pidgin Quechuan using the few words that José had taught us along the way, gave them a tip, and gave them some bottles of beer.

We turned in early, rising at 4am the next morning to complete the last leg of the journey and to catch the sunrise through the Sun Gate, where we would get our first glimpse of Machu Picchu.

Machu Picchu

We rose in darkness, had a quick breakfast and made our way to the last checkpoint and began the final leg of our journey. In parts it was a bit crowded, as everyone at the camp seemed to set off at the same time, including the Italian looking family we kept bumping into since day 1. The father had ceased to accompany them some days before, and the mother was now carrying the extra backpack, with her son whom we had decided to name Oedipus.

Making good progress we arrived ahead of schedule at the sun gate after walking for just an hour. And there it was, in all its glory: Machu Picchu, the Lost City of the Incas as its 'discoverer' Hiram Bingham called it (though he was actually shown the way by some local Quechuans who were living there at the time).

It stood in the low morning sunrise, the shadow of Wayna Picchu mountain stretching out behind it yet somehow not casting darkness on the city itself. I'm not one for sentimentality when it comes to old rocks, but let's just say it was emotional. This is what we had walked four days for, and it was every bit worth it.

"So that's Machu Picchu?" Tom blurted out. Everyone within earshot looked at him in confusion. Oh Christ, what was he going to say. He had been grumbling about doing the trek after almost fainting on day 2.

"What were you expecting?" said one Australian woman.

"Did you not see the bloody pictures?" Colin demanded.

"It's just... bigger than I thought!"

And if cynical Tom thought it worth the trek, then that's saying something.

What's amazing is the sheer geography of it, and that they managed to build anything at all. It's pretty much on a cliff face, about 89 degrees if you ask me. And yet they managed to eke out terraces for farming and crop cultivation, using clever techniques that allowed them to control the temperature of each level within a wide range, growing crops that could never normally survive at this altitude. And they reckon the terraces excavated there are only the tip of the iceberg, many more terraces (and possibly more of the city) remains within the vegetation at Machu Picchu.

In fact, during the entire four days of trekking we came across terraces in practically every valley. What they managed to do was well ahead of its time: turning an inhospitable environment into fertile land; serving to prevent landslide of their vertical cities, and providing drainage so the whole lot didn't get washed away during the rainy season.

We spent the day walking around the city. It had parks, it had fountains, centres of learning with fixtures still intact for studying the cosmos, and temples to the snake (representing the pachamama, or mother earth), the puma (representing the current life), and the condor (for the heaven above). What proves the Spanish never found Machu Picchu, apparently, is the simple fact that the temples exist and were not destroyed. Seems in their enthusiasm to spread the 'good word' of Christianity, all spiritual symbols from this important and powerful culture were to be eradicated as 'false idols'.

We spent most of the day exploring this fascinating place, before boarding a bus down to the nearest village, Aguas Calientes, to be eaten alive by mosquitos and sandflies while we waited for our 4-hour train back to Cuzco.

The next morning we flew to Lima where we planned to spend our last few days before making our way home. As we disembarked from the plane, we bumped in to Oedipus and his mother (husband still MIA), I swear they were following us. They said 'Hola!', we smiled and said 'Hola' back. Not Italian then.

There we spent our last few days in a slightly swanky hotel to chill out and let our hair down. Niamh was slightly disappointed, I think she was expecting a sunny beach resort to catch some rays. The climate here is eternally grey and a lukewarm 15-18 degrees - just like home.

What struck me about Peru was the absolute contrast. As we crossed the border from Bolivia, the subsistence farming. The Quechuans in Cuzco approaching you to buy their hand-knitted clothing made from alpaca wool. To Lima, the big city. Latin American yet westernised, littered with Starbucks.

On our last day we came back from breakfast to find the hotel manager had left a birthday cake for me in the room. A nice touch. After far too many early-to-bed, early-to-rise nights in the wilderness, we went out that night, ate some greasy food and had a few drinks. We even went bowling, which I haven't done on a birthday since I was about 12.

And none of us could believe the end had come to our South America tour, though it seemed like it had been forever. A trip I will never forget.